


guilty until proven guilty

by wallabywanderer



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, POV Tamlin (ACoTaR), Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 13:22:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13927974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wallabywanderer/pseuds/wallabywanderer
Summary: Tamlin regretting letting go of Feyre. Strays from the actual plot, but only because it's about me and less based off of the actual books.





	guilty until proven guilty

some say you can’t love someone else if you can’t love yourself.

well… there goes my opportunity for a soulmate.  
self-loathing comes from many things. insecurity, depression, anxiety.  
mine stems from my guilt.  
i feel guilt for lying and cheating my way to receive sympathy.  
i feel guilt for being someone i’m not, from losing myself and not doing anything about it.  
i feel guilt for hurting people who deserve it least.  
but the fact that i can do something about it, can save myself, can save Her, makes my guilt turn into self-loathing.  
people self-harm or take their own lives for many reasons. no one just goes around and dies because their friend couldn’t stop by her house one day. so many people, so many therapists, have convinced me that, drilled it into my system. and i know that because there are so many other factors.  
but there are moments when i am alone with my thoughts, and i know i killed Her.  
when i saw her there, dangling above the ground, i could have called for help.  
4 years later, my biggest regret is standing there in shock, not realizing that i could do something, that there were ways i can save her, that she is not gone yet.  
she reached out to me, called for help, indicated she was going to end her life (and some of mine). i was too naive to notice that it wasn’t just a joke, it wasn’t another “i have a test tomorrow i’m going to kill myself”. she told me she wanted to die, and i stood there, and i didn’t know how to react. so excuse me for blaming myself. i guess her loss is the reason i’m here today, the broken little boy who needs the sympathy of various girls to feel better about herself. the anxious closed up boy who doesn’t know how to deal with his own emotions. the guilty immature boy who didn’t know how to save his best friend’s life.

**Author's Note:**

> The fourth book is out!!! I'm buying A Court of Frost and Starlight as soon as I'm done posting this.


End file.
